Witch One

Death by Party | Huntress: 8 of Swords

Recently I had the pleasure of attending a Wiccan ceremony courtesy of Craigslist.  My dream, for quite some time, had been to hook up with a witch.  When I found the ad on Craigslist Platonic Relationships it sparked a frenzy inside my dormant pants.  I was dreaming about the Witch of the East, dreading the Wicked Witch of the West, and expecting the Witches of Eastwick.  Much to my aghast, after arrival, I stumbled upon a group of two overweight women that liked to show-off what newest chip dip recipe they found online and brag about their cats.  Nevertheless I knew that staying this evening could make for good stories at whatever future sex party I may be invited to.

If you ever find yourself en route to a Wiccan party, let me offer one piece of advice, never think you’re going to a sex party.  I could have expected much more from a run down apartment off the rural roads of Pemberton, New Jersey.  You would think there’d at least be some kind of vermin to sacrifice but there wasn’t even a bowl of magic stew or even a flying broom in the cigarette stained four hundred square foot one bedroom apartment.  And the worse part was the only two women that showed up were both lesbians.  I spent the majority of the evening listening to stories of a female god over amnesties that may as well have come from a clearance rack of Dollar World.

The other attendant was some strange dude that had long dark hair, a huge nose, and a Pentagram necklace around his neck that looked like it was purchased from a flea market near Fort Dix.  We ended up leaving the ceremonies early to get high on clove cigarettes and drive around the back roads listening to heavy metal.  I couldn’t understand much of the lyrics but I did like the girl screaming in the song ‘8 of Swords’ by Huntress and I’m grateful the Wiccan man didn’t try to make me eat some weird tree bark that puts you under a spell.  All in all, I think Wiccan parties in low class towns are pretty boring.  Maybe one day I’ll have the opportunity to see how the rich followers of Wiccan party down.

By Lou Cervantes

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