El Muy Macho De Jeffe Grande

Sexploitation Magazine Cover's for Crimmen

Death by Party | Crimmen Pulp Magazine Cover Art

It’s been a butt fuck age since we did a pulp cover art feature and I’m taking matters into my own hands. I don’t know what the fuck Crimmen was about, I don’t care. I don’t need to know because Crimmen is a perfect example of imagination trumping knowledge. And these fuckers are making my imagination run wild.

I used to work at a car wash when I was in High School. The manager of the carwash was a ridiculous macho dingleberry named Kevin. Kevin was the flawless living example of “liar” and ‘looser.” He was in his mid 30’s, lived alone in a windowless basement apartment, and of course, managed a fucking car was in the asshole of Ohio. He had that creepy Gym Coach vibe, always wearing running suits with the sweat pants hiked too high, greased back hair and a gay pornstar handlebar mustache.

But according to Kevin, Kevin was no looser. He had traveled the world working for the CIA. He had ran drugs for the Mexican Cartels. He was a professional gambler until he just got bored with it. According to him, he had fucked half of the Playmates he had met from his many visits to Hef’s house. Kevin felt it was extremely important to impress his shitty, unimpressed teenage staff. Of course we all loved hearing the stories. When you work at a car wash, standing around while a flexing old creep pulled crap out of his ass was way better than actually working.

But when I started to peep these Crimmen covers, I realized, the dude in most of them looked like KEVIN. Then I started to trip out. What if Kevin was telling the truth. What if Crimmen was chronicling the adventures of KEVIN??? What if Kevin was actually the most interesting man in the world from the Tecate commercials? Should I have been taking him seriously? Should I have hung on his every word for some little taste of greatness?

Nah, fuck him.

By Marcus Aubrey

Photos courtesy of http://blondezombies.blogspot.com

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