The Middle Aged Crab Whore-Goddess Of Wildwood
I’ve had a bad day. I went down to the shore a couple of days ago to have some fun. I did, at least I believe I did. But that fun was capped by my waking up hugging a nitrous tank in a trunk of a station wagon belonging to a group of very scary middle aged women who may or may not be prostitutes. (My friend Ryan has very bad taste in people he parties with.)
I woke with lipstick all over my face. Mayyyyyybeeee I was making out with someone. Mayyyyyybeeee it was one of the middle aged (I think) prostitutes. Mayyyyyybeeee I just thought I would look good with lipstick.
I wasn’t LOCKED in the trunk, the door was open. It seems that I just wanted to sleep there. Perhaps I was hiding from them, perhaps the steel tank of funny air looked better than those over tanned NAMILFs (NOT A mom I’d like to fuck.) I really don’t know what happened. When I went inside the beach house, two of the middle aged (I think) prostitutes were sleeping naked on the floor. I know they were sleeping because they were both snoring as loud as a trucker. I could have woke one to find out a few more details, but I thought the mystery would be better. Instead I walked 2 miles back to the beach house that I was sharing with Ryan.
As I was walking back, I realized that the women weren’t as beat as I though. They looked freakish and scary because I was mildly tripping.* Everyone I passed looked slightly grotesque. Even for the South Jersey shore. Ryan wasn’t home so I popped open a beer, popped open my laptop, and found THIS writing assignment in front of me.
Yup. I’m staring at a creepy David Meng crab monster statue while still half tripping and still half drunk from the night before. I have to concentrate very carefully on each and every word I write. I think I am making ok sense here. I think I am documenting this clearly.
Anyway, Meng is a little much to handle on a sane, well rested, sober day and that is all I have to say about this. That and I officially rename the fucker above- Tripith Ballsurass the Middle Aged Crab Whore-Goddess of Wildwood. I’m sure when I go outside, here minions will surround me, put lipstick on me and shove me in a trunk.
By James Jarvis