There Are Good Vitamins In Rabbits Blood

Death by Party | Working Out: The Kvelertak Method

When you’re training, you need a soundtrack.  Training montages are apparent in any training movie and why should you deprive yourself of some inspiration.  I started out in my early aerobic days with the likes of Britney and J-Lo but those days didn’t last long.  I was banned from my second class.  When yoga came around so did the music driven by the flute phase.  It seemed I could be one with the New Age, but that ended after falling asleep five consecutive classes.  I even tried coed sports.  However anytime I would turn on my boom box in the midst of a handball matchup, one of the other eleven very perturbed members of my team would shut the music off and give me a funny face.

The techno craze got me running laps, country music got me doing exercises where I treated weights like they were shovels, and 90’s grunge got me on a SolarFlex. And while all these workouts posed some sort of success, none of them got me to achieve the physical heights I once dreamed I could morph into. That is until I discovered Norwegian Metal, specifically the band Kvelertak, and I invented the Kvelertak Method of working out.

Goodbye treadmill, hello hauling a sled of deer carcasses up a hill covered in gasoline and set on fire on a cold dreary night.  Want dinner?  You can toss any fad diet out the window, I’m pumping up the hit ‘Mj0d’ on my headphones and chasing rabbits, decapitating them with my bare hands, and eating them raw.  Rotten mud, the salt of the earth: how’s that for a vitamin smoothie? While you’re at the gym staring into a mirror, I’m glaring down the throat of any fractured soul that steps into my path as I rage along the precipice of eternal nightfall. In the end, after long bare-chested runs in sub-zero temperatures and drowning myself in the perspiration of my labor on a daily basis; I will probably grow fangs, hop fences, and be covered in a dense plot of my own human fur.

By Lou Cervantes

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