The Panda Who Would Be King

808monarch Angry Woebots Panda King

Death by Party | 808Monarch Limited Edition By Angry Woebots

I just purchased a premium cable tv pack and I realized I don’t even have a tv. I bought flood insurance however I live nowhere near a flood plane. I paid new car value for a used car, gave too much money to a fake charity, and bought the most expensive set of golf clubs before ever playing a solid round. You could say everywhere I turn I’ve been getting ripped off lately. To add insult to injury, both my work life and my personal life are at rock bottom. I need to stare the problem down and looking back the only thing I’ve realized is everywhere I turn I have the eyes of the 808 Monarch Panda King by Angry Woebots staring right back at me.

On many sales calls from the other end I’d find his fat fluffy mug stamping away at my integrity and guilting me into setting my money on fire. It appeared that my time was nothing more than an outlet to making bad spending decisions until the day I purchased a Panda King myself. It hasn’t even been one month and I feel like I can go door-to-door selling hunting knives to suburban housewives. I can get people to commit their time to me, and best yet, I can convince people to work under me and make me rich. With this angry toy by my side, I can set the world on fire with sales.

While the rewards are plentiful with this toy, it does have its demands. I’ve let it sleep in my king-size bed at night while I lie on a cold floor and pray for it’s warmth and comfort. I also feel the need everyday to build a throne of fresh roses for the Panda King in my kitchen, to let it know that I’m honoring its presence. In doing so I’ve agreed to give up one meal a day to pay for this throne. It’s only a matter of time before I sign my house off to it, maybe even my retirement. Whatever it wants, it gets. As long as I can be apart of any successful pyramid scheme that is permitted in this society

By Lou Cervantes

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