Grace Jones Scares The Living Shit Out of Me

Grace Jones, scariest of the monsters

Death by Party | Please don’t hurt me

No, seriously.

My entire childhood was spent watching Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Bond movie marathons. That mixed with my obsession with anything Muppet related probably explains why I’ve got a thing for sexually frustrated socks. But this isn’t about my sociopathic tendency to carry on entire conversations and relationships with footwear. This is about the scariest bitch I’ve ever seen. Grace Jones.

I don’t know whether I first saw this obviously unstable, androgynous being of pure death rage in Conan the Destroyer or A View To A Kill. But either way I remember my reaction being akin to “HOLY JESUS MOTHER OF WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???” I also may have run away and hid under a couch. I was 5; I was able to fit under a lot more things than I do now.

Present day: I’ve just watched Conan the Destroyer, that’s the sequel that was rated PG… in comparison to the first one (Conan the Barbarian), Destroyer was soft like baby thighs. There’s no blood, no sex, no kills on camera, and yet I still feel like it should have been rated NC-17 for the Grace Jones sheer terror factor.

Look at her.

Grace Jones, scariest of the monsters

She looks like that throughout the entire fucking movie. Plus she has a spear and kills anything that moves, while screaming the entire time. AND SHE’S ONE OF THE GODDAMN GOOD GUYS. If I ever saw something like that coming towards me, even for a hug, I’m not taking any chances, I’m shooting first and running because she’s inevitably going to get back up. And then eat your fucking soul.

Now, psychotic, screaming warrior chick is scary enough, but did she stop there? Fuck no. She then went on to be lead henchman to a cold, ruthless, completely fucked Christopher Walken’s Max Zorin… who tries to take over Silicon Valley with a blimp… the only excuse I have for that is: it was the eighties.

But I’m getting sidetracked…  In A View to a Kill she sports a Lazerline that looks like she took a battle-axe to the face and survived. I assume it happened when she tried to devour Arnold for sustenance after Conan was finished being filmed. She also picks up dudes and then uses them to beat up other dudes. Fucking. Terrifying.

She also dated Dolph fucking Lundgren for the better part of the 70s and 80s, married a French graphic designer, admittedly probably the least strange thing she’s done, then she made up for that momentary bit of normalcy by marrying a guy named Atila… yeah, as in, The Hun.

At this point all I can do is assume that she’s an extraterrestrial being. Her weird disco music and the fact that Andy Warhol lauded her as a personal muse do nothing to persuade me any differently. In fact they serve as prime examples to back up the theory that she was sent here to harvest the souls of humans in order to fuel her planet sized space ship of death. I mean, fucking LOOK at her.

However, she did recently play a transvestite circus performer named Christoph/Christine in a movie with Tim Curry…which actually raises her to a rather high standard in my book. Because I like transvestites, circus performers and Tim Curry. So, maybe I was completely wrong about Grace Jones….

fuck no, she still scares the living shit out of me.


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2 Responses to “Grace Jones Scares The Living Shit Out of Me”

  1. […] Scary and hot at the same time. I bet she would have broke me in two. […]

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