Respect Comes In The Form Of Large Metal Dildos

Feel the power of the Cold Steel War SwordDeath by Party | The Cold Steel War Sword: Severing Your Sex To Spite Your Lifestyle

A few years ago, an old and honest friend of mine cut his dick off. A few months back, my uncle, Dem Parlingus, cut his dick off. A few weeks ago, the skunk-badger that took up residence in my neighbors derelict Pontiac Cubanidra, cut its dick like lump of animal sex organs off. Do you see a pattern here? I’ll be the first to tell you all these events, besides being the simple/complex/gruesome act of pee-pee hari kiri, were all completely accidental, dumb, and related. The missing components are as follows.

Now I, like few other still living intelligent people without any sign of digital connection, can clearly see the olde-fashioned need create thine own path is still strong. Lonely? Beg the email nanny to find you a boy or girl just like you, but with a purpose and an appealing face. Hungry? Then make a burger just like the steaming fake one on tv, and make it cheeeeesy, bitch! However, if you are one of those who thinks, or really wants to make completely unnecessary bladed weapons just like the Elves or Cimmerians, then you need to hang your Bing-bong or Chilly-Dong out the window with a cinder block hanging from its inevitable piercing. Most people cut themselves on their cereal spoons…I’ll allow that completely real info to sink in for a moment…ok. That being said, most humans are incapable of understanding an iota of the “Riddle of Steel”. For whatever reason, people still go ahead and write in “Battle-axe” on the dotted line at the bottom of the woodshop/free-time project list. There are the rare occasions that some genius gets it right, melting down his mummy’s silverware. But even then, he pulls it out to show his girl how badass his mind-puke is, and ends up leaving her bereft of one nipple. In EVERY other case, that weaponer-for-a-day ends up cutting off some mommy or daddy nerf.

With that down, there is only one more reason  people lop off their butterstick butts, and that is plain old “bein’ dumb”. To illustrate this simple idea, I dug up the children’s story to teach how not to be a fuck-up. Originally it was published in a correctional facility for foul-mouthed toddlers, and written By Simon Bernard Cogswell De-Montitharb blarthe.

“Patricia and Kel walked along the frothy shore, accompanied by officer Blarke. Despite his looming shadow, the lil lovebugs kept on along, counting the waves and dreaming of the times when Kel had not unintentionally impregnated Patty with his daddies workglove-sheathed digits bedazzled in his lovey-leavings…then blaming the mixup on his terminally ill cousin who dropped damn-dead from sadness over the shame it brought him. The weather was so cheery, officer Blarke became nervous the two would forget their idiocy and continue being dumb dicks. At these moments, he would pull on the barbed-wire wrapped tight around their legs, violently tripping them up. “Look to far into the sun, and your gonna forget what its like to be life’s dogshit kiddies! So eyes forward and walk straight you sick fucks!”

The story is short and a bit old-fashioned, but still rings like church-bells in the conscience minds of smarty lil brats. So remember, one and all: if you want to make a sharp brilliant weapon, look in the mirror and tell your mind to shut the hell up. Just buy a Chinese War Sword
made by the skilled hands at Cold Steel. They paid me in scalps. I don’t turn down that kind of sweet wampum.

From the mind-bind of
-Uncle Awkward

Check out Their Site, to prove I ain’t funnin’.

Sandwiches, diapers, unopened mail…Its all possible again

High schools are bereft of attitude.

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