Tastes Like Pussy, Ya’ll

Death by Party | Gettin’ Tough With Duane Lauginiger

My grandfather was the most masculine guy I ever met.  His nickname was Hot Dog.  He never ate a hot dog any day of his life.  In fact besides soppressata, rigatoni, sausage, prosciutto, and steak I could swear he never ate much more of anything.  Unless you count the rust and nails that broke his body down while he built his empire of buildings and infrastructures with his massive boned-hands.

He’s dead.  If he was still alive I’m pretty sure he’d beat the snot out of Duane Lauginiger, the jort-wearing tough-guy mocking human specimen all of America should be ashamed of having as a resident.  This peon shits on the strong-and-silent types that rescued this country from the Japanese and Germans in World War 2 and the brave ones who will continue to defend us as our surrounding world crumbles.  He mocks the taste of pussy as well as being tough only because he’s a pussy that is not tough.

Every dog has his day and if I could have my day with Lauginiger I’d make him eat all the hot dogs on my grill and hang him up on the flag post hoisted up at my grandfather’s shore house with an American flag draped over him vomiting in pity over all who walk by to witness his foolishness.  I’d then invite over a group of women who hate the ‘p’ word to slap him over the back of his head with the yellowfins I catch from doing manly things like fishing to show him what ‘pussy’ really tastes like.  Then I’d record it and give the youtube nation something they can really cherish and laugh about in the comfort of their own home.  And the best thing moving forward is that I’ll dedicate the video to the memory of my dead grandfather and all the men who raised this wonderful nation to what it is and who’d be turning over in their graves if they saw what the modern typical American male has become; a bunch of cocktail hot dog tasting no good doing fake pussies (which they think everything tastes like).

By Lou Cervantes

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