Alice In Acidland

Death by Party | Drop in

The modern day jump off girl at your average party gets harder to locate as you get older. It may be a cultural difference. I’m not a bro, I don’t yolo, nor moonwalk, moonbounce, appreciate dubstep, idealize socialism, or eat fake molly. That is why I never get invited to these shindigs. Unfortunately the middle-aged ‘eyes wide shut’ crowd is also beyond me. I’m stuck in limbo, lost. Maybe the moment where my masterpiece is painted will be the day I get my shot.

Until then I can visualize the ideal type of party to throw. The poodle party has always been high up on my wish list. This party would consist of everybody renting a poodle and shaving it. Only fermented basement hooch will be served along with garden grown tomatoes smothered in olive oil and mixed with mozzarella balls, complemented by Triscuits of course. Pictures of the poodles will go online and rated on random social networks. The winner gets the rest of the people to buy them the poodle. This is what I call a wild time.

Other great ideas include the paint my house party. This concept is when you give all your friends a brush, some beer, and put on a mix as you force them to paint. The complement to this is the demolition party. Demolition parties involve a couple hardcore bands and the craziest people you know. You get them high on huffing Dust off and you make sure the guests have a filter-less cigarette at all times dangling from their lip. It’s at this point that you hand them an axe, crowbar, sledgehammer, baseball bat, or any other destructive piece of equipment that will be used to destroy a house. These parties deserve a film crew to document the madness and from experience if you’ve ever been to one than you know what I’m talking about.

At some point the jump off beauty may be in sight. When you locate her, you’ll know. If you’re unsure you can always be the fellow that goes by the nickname Animal from this Alice and Acidland short film. He goes right for the jugular asking no questions and waiting for the moment to take her on a tour of the house. The demolition party may even escalate your chances early on being that the house will not even be there by the end of the party.

A man on top of his game is a man who isn’t afraid to drop in. Which brings me to the ultimate way to snag that jump off prize: parachuting into a wedding. If you have the wits of parachuting into a wedding you can have the bride, maid of honor, and mother all in one swoop. You just have to act once your feet hit the ground. Remember to also dress appropriately. Only the finest dressed can pull off the grandest entrance of them all.

By Lou Cervantes

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One Response to “Alice In Acidland”

  1. Andros Stamou says:

    I have done LSD many times, and I am perfectly sane…

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