Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Death by Party | Victoria Bales Yarn Penis Warmers

I don’t know about anyone else, but I am officially sick of the cold and the snow. For the umpteenth time this winter, the Philadelphia school district closed schools due to snowfall today. All the little girls and boys got to stay at home, warm in their houses, and play video games all day long, while the grown-ups were forced to get on with real life as usual. No grilled cheese sandwiches and hot tomato soup for us. Life must go on!

Actually, I did have the day off today. And it’s not to say that I didn’t do anything at all… I thought about how cold it probably was outside and how, regardless of how hungry I was, I wasn’t getting off the couch, let alone going down to the bodega for a cheesesteak. Fuck that, it’s cold outside. But I did feel bad for everyone else who had to endure the millionth snow day of the season; specifically, I felt bad for the men. If shrinkage from a pool in the 90 degree summer heat is embarrassing, just think of what they must feel like all winter. My penis envy shrunk down a notch or two at the thought.

That’s when I stumbled across the phenomenon of “willie warmers.” They are exactly what they sound like, and come in every color, shape, and animal shape you can think of. You can even make your own, if you know how to crochet; it’s been a long time since I’ve picked up the hooks, but I’m pretty sure that when my grandmother taught me to crochet years ago, this is not what she had in mind.

Get the pattern to make your own here, and stay warm tonight.

-Louise LaTease

Tags: , , , , ,

Leave a Reply