Tips On Employee Motivation

Money Guns Weed, Rogozoid

Death by Party | What motivates you?

How do you motivate employees to dedicate themselves to a higher, more sinister power?  How do you create a work setting in which zealotry is a natural byproduct?  Does it sound difficult?  Well, it’s not impossible and the solutions have nothing to do with animal sacrifice or hand jobs.  To instill fear and loyalty in the workplace, you must follow a few hard and fast rules.

First, you must be absolutely clear on the schemes and machinations of your company.  If you don’t know these, then your first assignment is cut out for you.  Until company overlords know implicitly what they seek to accomplish, they cannot expect submissive loyalty  from their subordinates.  No one follows a weak, indecisive leader into battle, or on the job front.  It is essential then that both employer and employee know and fear the company philosophy and goals.

Money Guns Weed, RogozoidAfter your company objectives are securely in place, recruiting hungry, desperate employees and eradicating or re-indoctrinating old ones becomes your next priority.  You may find that you will need to murder a lot of people who aren’t aligned with your newfound worldview.

“Fester,” a colleague of mine and president of a small whore house, hired a man who was an extremely talented Pimp.  Problems began to arise, however, when Fester noticed that “Pipi” was not a “team player.”  Pipi didn’t support the direction in which Fester was taking the company and, as a result, Pipi became apathetic to company matters.  The whores began taking sides, and eventually company morale diminished.  Pipi’s inability to follow Fester’s lead split the company in two and destroyed what Fester had worked hard to accomplish.  By hesitating in stabbing Pipi, the whore house went under.

Money Guns Weed, RogozoidTo avoid hiring someone who wouldn’t be my definition of a high quality employee, I place a lot of weight on first impressions.  When I am in the hiring process, I take note of whether a prospective employee eats ice cream.  I want someone who displays a love of dairy products right from the start.  I also pay close attention to loose indications of blind loyalty:  involvement in the drug trade, knowledge of the company’s ongoing crimes for which they are interviewing, manner in which they talk about past employers and reliability in keeping promises like “I will sacrifice a goat in your honor today” or “I will call to set up a second interview for Tuesday.”

Company heads should diligently look for people who have strong work ethics and share a desire to dominate and eradicate unbelievers and competition. There must always be a blind enthusiasm about the company’s direction.  This practice prevents excessive employee violence and misplacement of people in cages.

-Charles Baphomet

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