This One Goes Out To The One (I Think I Should) Love

Death by Party | Sid Vicious Sings Something Else

There are many types of single women that live in the Center City area. For the most part they reflect the neighborhoods where they live. The Graduate girls and the Rittenhouse girls are practically one in the same. Except the Rittenhouse girls are on average a little older and via life experiences a lot more evil. These single women tend to look for only the three sixes: 6 inches, 6 feet, and 6 figures; hence the evil nature of these man-eaters. If you don’t possess all three combined, take a hike. They’re looking to finally find the love of a lifetime in the form of what you’d see on The Bachelor or what you read about in US Weekly. I prefer the kind you take on picnics. I’m a sucker for the girls that live on the South of Washington, or as I like to refer to them, the South-side girls.

The one thing I don’t have going for me is tattoos or a motorcycle so that eliminates half the South side girls right there. Another thing I have is a job and my own home so that eliminates the other half. Now we are down to one in four, until you bring up the fact that I eat meat and don’t protest over banks, now we’re down to one in ten. Unfortunately for me the numbers continue to dwindle. I’m big-boned, shave, have male breasts, prefer wearing khakis to tight jeans, am over thirty, frequent places that only take credit card, and have never ridden a skateboard. And to top it all off, I hate Pabst Blue Ribbon. Pretty much that singles me out to maybe, at most, a handful of girls that live not only in a particular section of Philadelphia; but quite possibly the entire planet, which may as well be my neighborhood.

If I had to make a bet I’d say there’s 4 girls that are made for me in my little surroundings because after all if there’s really a handful of girls that are suitable for me than what’s the big deal with the reality of one less than an actual odd handful available? Of course I have to have some standards, I am great in my own unique element, so that limits it to 2 girls. Though since one of these girls is obviously average and bound to have a fake boyfriend we can say that in my world there is 1 girl that is made for me. She’s got that Southside ring that glitters in her smile. It’s loud enough to get me out of bed singing like Sid Vicious in this video every morning and it’s the reason I waste time filling up an empty computer screen. However if I can’t muster up the courage I’ll never find out if she truly is something else.

By Lou Cervantes

Shhhh… The party is at the Khyber Pass Pub, 56 S. 2nd St., Olde City, Philadelphia
Password: Tubal Cain

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