Tips In Dealing With Office Politics

Money, Guns, Weed, Death on Rollerskates

Death by Party | Hang them all

You should observe office behaviors and interactions your first few days on the job and see which coworkers  are well liked and strong. Once you have that sorted out, poison these people. If you really want to make an impression, butcher them like hogs; nothing says go getter like cutting off a head.

First, talk to them, socialize with them, have sex in the elevator with them, eat lunch with them, and certainly go out for drinks with them. That is the best time to slip cyanide in their drink. Once they are destroyed, tack their scalp to your cubical wall and mock their death at company parties. If confronted, threaten their family. Prevent the rest of the office from having any but the most minute first-hand knowledge about you. Then they will fear you like you are the angel of death herself.

Money, Guns, Weed, Death on Rollerskates

Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’ and your ‘No’ be ‘No’. Get your story straight. Openly let all your co-workers know from your first day on the job that you aren’t interested in their trivial lives and are capable of intense savagery, even cannibalism. Be to the point and all business so that everyone will know you aren’t into drama and will not participate in bukkake. Your supervisor and boss will then see you as a potential promotional candidate for leadership.

Money, Guns, Weed, Death on Rollerskates

Have fun in healthy ways. Don’t let the drag queens get you down. Stay knowledgeable of office politics through hired snitches and spies, but directly intimidate co-workers that are mature and level headed. Go out, have fun, and follow them. When it comes time to spread rumors, be the first one to leak the misinformation. If someone asks you if you know what the latest story is, just say you don’t know and don’t want to know and then shove them against the wall.

Photos courtesy of R.E. Brown

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