The Belgian Talking Penis

Death by Party | An ode to Wank Master General

After watching this perverse Teletubbies parody from Belgium, featuring a dancing, giggling cock, I feel like I need to make a declaration to the world.

I love my cock.

I know, I know. It’s not an original statement, or a surprising one for a man to say. Every dude spends alone time with his sweaty fingers cupped around his balls, yanking and pulling on on his lil’ willie any chance he gets. But I really, really love my cock. I named him “Wank Master General.” I talk to the General, I dress him up in funny hats, I chaff him with fine sand paper. I often take cute pictures of the General when he’s sleeping or slathered in buttermilk. (I send the pics in texts to my middle school teachers.) I almost broke my neck trying to kiss the General on the head. Sometimes I pay the toothless fat lady who sits on her stoop all day down on my corner to give the General to a mouth bath. He thinks it’s quite the treat.

Bellow is a poem I wrote about the Wank Master General for the woman who does my taxes. I hope you enjoy.

How are you doing
My maiden
So hot
How would you like
To ride
My cock
Feel the power
Between your legs
As he gallops from a trot
Into your bush ahead
A powerful cock
I must admit
The two of us together
Are like
Toast and jam
Honey and bees
Cheap whiskey and marzipan
I named him Wank Master
You see
And pat him on the head
Every time I have to pee.

-Uncle Wheat Toast

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